5.7.06

Thoughts on solitude continued - Jesus Army Life, Day 344


How is it possible to be with many people and be alone? Please forgive me, I'm not in some depressive state. I don't feel particularly lonely - but this stuff about solitude has got me a bit cornered.

How is it possible to have a meeting where you join in fellowship with others you love, admire and respect. And yet, at the end of it, not feel well met. There's a certain lack of satisfaction which I often feel at the end of the night... a kind of, 'Hang on! It can't be night time yet, I've only just got going. I've got more life in me, I want to live!' But everyone has gone to bed... Almost as often as I refuse to spend time in my bedroom, I am also the last person to go to bed - not always, especially when I discipline myself to get an early night, but often. And then there are other times when I seriously just fear to join in a conversation: because I know I won't find whatever it is in me that wants to be met, met.

Let's not get this out of proportion I'd be happy to go away for a few days by myself, out in the country or in a city, just being alone. I've done it before, it can be enriching, I'm not scared of it.

But they say you can be lonliest in a crowd.

I'm not setting out to point the finger at anyone else either. I know that this is something in me. Something obscure. The trouble is I won't be able to move forward on this one until I find the right door to walk through. As of yet I haven't found it.